Going Columbo

Before I start, I find it a little ironic that the Dictionary.com word for the day is 'lexicon'. Dontcha' think?

As shocking as I'm sure it is to you all, I am occasionally subject to brief fits of paranoia. When I was living in Fresno I had a few close calls with car thieves, armed robbers and car jackers. Maybe sometime I'll relate a few of these stories, but as a result of these brushes with criminality I have a tendency to take things, that on the surface seem just slightly amiss, and view them with a greater degree of suspicion than I probably should.

Right now the folks are in California and have been for about a week. When they're gone various family members take turns checking up on Casa de El Jefe (The Big Guy's House), get the mail, etc. Friday night, Laurie and I dropped by their house to pick up a few birthday gifts mom had left for Laurie. When we came in all the cleaning supplies were out on the counter, the vacuum was out and several of the lights were left on.

Now this in and of itself did not breed suspicion. Mom has a cleaning service that drops by every Friday. What was strange was that the cleaning service didn't clean up after themselves. Further inspection revealed they didn't even really clean. Laurie, who had stayed at my folks' while she was down this summer said that unless my mom was around they usually didn't do a very good job. It looked like this was the case here. We collected the gifts and left.

I didn't think anything about it again until Sunday when we were having dinner with my grandparents. Grandpa mentioned that he'd been over there Friday about noon mowing the lawn and had seen the cleaning people arrive. He'd never seen them before and thought they didn't look very professional, but they had the code to the garage and cleaning buckets so he didn't make a big deal out of it. He said the cleaning lady had two boys with her. One went inside with her while the other stayed outside and talked to him. He thought that was kind of strange because the two boys didn't really look like they were there to clean, just hang out. He also said the cleaning lady was only in the house for about 15 minutes and then she came back out and they left. This made me a little suspicious.

I called dad and related what Laurie and I had encountered as well as Grandpa's experience. He told mom, who wasn't real happy, and she called the cleaning service to release them from their obligations. Dad asked me to go back and change the garage code. I had to fly Laurie back that night so we didn't go back to ma and pa's but the aiport instead. It was about this time that my Columbo Syndrome started to act up. I began to think, What if the cleaning lady was up to no good? What if she had her eye on something? What if she got spooked by grandpa being there and that's why she left early? What if the owner of the cleaning company called her that night to tell her mom had "fired" them? What if she knew we were probably going to change the code and decided to return before I could and take what she was after?

By the time I flew back from up north and put the plane away it was 10 pm. I didn't feel like driving to Monticello to change the code and having to drive back. Besides, my CS had worn off and I was sure my previous suspicions were unfounded. Until today.

While at lunch with Grandpa and Grandma, he asked me whatever came of the cleaning people. I told him mom had let them go and I'd changed the code. He said, "That's good. They just didn't seem like the kind of people Karen would hire." This made the CS act up a little. I said, "Yeah, it is kind of wierd that the lady would've brought her kids along on the job. I mean what help would they be?" Grandpa said, "Oh those boys weren't kids." The CS was inflammed at this point. "How old do you think they were?", I asked. "Oh, about mid-twenties," was the reply. It had never occured to me that to my 80-something year old grandfather, 20-something year old males probably were "boys". Now I was REALLY in Columbo mode.

I asked what they were driving. A truck. I asked what she took in with her. Just a bucket and one of the "boys". I asked if grandpa thought the guys were there to help. He kind of laughed and said, no. He said one of them stayed outside with him and just talked. Said he was from Kentucky too. This sounded like a lookout to me. It was all I could do to sit still. My mind was going ape with all kinds of wild scenarios.

What if they'd gone in to take stuff, saw grandpa and decided to unlock a window and come back later? What if they really weren't the cleaning people? What if they were accomplices of someone inside the cleaning service who gave them the code? What if the bucket was just a cover to avoid suspicion if anyone, like my grandfather, saw them entering the house? What if they had come back through a basement window they'd unlocked and cleaned the folks out?

I said goodbye to the grandparents and drove over to mom and dad's to investigate. What if they were in there right now? What if while I was checking windows and doors they paid a visit? Where was the Big Guy's .357 again? Yeah. It was pretty bad. Of course I went over there and everything was fine. I did find a few ground floor windows that were unlocked, but this was because they couldn't close enough for the locks to engage. Probably due to the house settling or something. Who knows? It certainly wasn't because of the Cleaning Cartel.

I should probably relate some of the stories of actual criminals I encountered in Fresno to put this all in perspective. It really isn't without reason that I happen to suffer from CS.

This weekend I'm going up north to visit Laurie and get wood. I mean firewood--dirty birdies. While I'm up there, Brother Joe and I might do a little trap shooting. Also referred to as "shooting frisbees" by his little boys. Should be fun. Donna, my future mom-in-law, will probably load me up with goodies for the trip back. This is a blessing and a curse. I love whatever she gives me but she usually gives me a lot and it's gone in one or two sittings. I'd weigh 5,000 lbs if I lived in the same house with Donna. Maybe I'll save the largesse for a crappy movie night.

Oh, yeah. I took the rest of the day off. A big, "Haa, haaaaa!" to all you suckas still at work.